My mom is having a spine surgery now. She barely cannot walk. She decided to have this surgery long time ago and regret for many times due to her worries about me, my dad, my grandparents, our home business, and house chores. She, again, made a decision when I am in a very difficult situation. She knew that I have had a hard time here, but due to her amnesia and health condition, she could not handle things well. I am worried about my mom’s surgery, but except for praying for her, nothing I can do now.

I felt helpless and hopeless until my friends comforted me and leveraged the connection for me. They recommended me to their school management team, provided me with information on renting a house, and suggested some interview strategies. I will have an interview tomorrow. Wish me best of luck. All I want is to change to another place get my internship done, pass the comp exam, and graduate on time.

Notes:

As a teacher, if kids feel tired or rest their hands and arms on the desks, we would ask, “Are you okay?” “Go wash your face.” Just now during the recess time, I felt stressed out and exhausted, I rested their hands and arms on the desks and started to have a short rest, one of my kids came to wake me up and check in on me 「老師，你還好嗎？」My reply was 「我沒事，只是很累。」Then, I realized that I can’t rest at my desk in the classroom. My kids would check on me : )

Also, When I covered the duty last week, one of my kids came to me and said 「老師，你什麼時候要教我們？ 我們會配合你，但是有些男生都不合作……。」「老師，我們知道你很努力，我們不會毀了你的一生……。」Eariler, one of my kids checked with me 「老師，你的錄影通過了嗎？」I was smiling when they concern about me. Kids, you are so SWEET : )

「老師旁邊的寶座」

前幾天班孩請假，另一個班孩A獲得特許坐我旁邊吃午餐，

我：「Ａ你今天為什麼坐這邊？」

A說：「老師，今天ＸＸＸ請假，所以我獲得允許坐你旁邊。」（開心貌）

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One little thing that makes my day is that my kids came to me and surrounded around me all the time. During the UOI class, they are working on their formative assessment,

Ｅ開口問我，老師，我可以坐你旁邊嗎？

我：為什麼你不坐在自己的位子上？

Ｅ：因為比較舒服，而且老師，如果我不會還可以問你 （開心貌）

以前我的好時候，打死都不會想坐在老師旁邊，因為有種莫名的壓力，而且壓力很大，閃都來不及，我怎麼可能還自投羅網？現在班孩的反應讓我覺得我的師生關係很正向，也很開心孩子們願意接受我這個老師 ：）

Okay, after chaos in the last few days, I talked to Michael, Julia, Grace, and my mom. Now I have a clear picture of how to cope with this situation. First, I will practice and get the logistics done today including contacting Mark, confirming with the directors, borrowing the video recorder, and testing the tech equipment. I will go ahead and have an interview with people. If it is successful, I will go there; if not, I will stay and tough it out no matter S throws any kids of unreasonable requests and challenges.

I have spent more than 15 years on this hill. I don’t want to leave because of S although she is so MEAN. All I worry about is that S gives me more hard time which makes me unable to graduate on time.

Yesterday, Grace told me to be principled and not lie to the school about taking leave. Thus, I will be honest because my mom will have surgery then seriously. That’s why I am stressed out. I feel like I have been living in survival mode for a long time since S treated me poorly.

Notes: I finally completed my teaching demo last Friday. Generally, except for time management, things went smoothly. I received 93% of it and the thing I need to improve on is differentiated instruction.

Notes: I have not informed Pat about all the affairs I encountered because I am not sure about my transition yet. However, I was so nervous about if she received all the teaching demo stuff from Mark. She realized a different behavior pattern from me because I was too overwhelmed to reply to her and I usually submitted my assignment in time. She consistently told me via Facetime that I will be fine and she even asked me to talk to her that “I will be fine”. I felt supported because we met each other only for 2 months. She realized that I am always hardworking and she would like to help me out.

It’s Teacher’s Day today. Lots of my kids told me Happy Teacher’s Day this morning. This generation of kids did NOT have any experience of 921 Earthquake, so one of the kids shot out that no, Teacher’s Day is on September 21. We were all laughing. It sounds like people eat mooncakes during Dragon Boat Festival.

I chatted with Michael and here’s the conversation below.

M: Why are most of you scared of S?

Me: She always bent the rules. She made the right ting wrong and made the wrong thing right. It makes people confused without integrity.

M: If people said one thing and do the other, s/he is not principal. She is a hyprocrait.

Me: How did you know that Sh got blamed?

M: Well, J told me. As I told you that I have reported, but the other people just balmed Sh. Sh did not tell me….

What a negative atmosphere here. I feel sorry about it alough I love here because I have had lots of memories on this hill. I received my schooling here and have the genes.

I went to bed early but almost fell asleep during math class. I feel that I am cast all my energy into fighting with S. Now I totally understand how Joy felt. I am stressed out.

If I have a better place to go, I will leave here. I emailed my CV to Glen and waiting for further info.

My only hope now is that it’s Teacher’s Day. I am going to spend my this Teacher’s Day with my kids. I love them, all of my kids. I clearly know that the only problem is S.

I had a meeting with both directors last Wednesday afternoon. Basically, it was set up for S to blame me. S blamed me for using the school resources like taking the school bus and having school lunch, but not making any contribution to the school. I ask for permission from the director of SAO and I pay for the school lunch every day. Everything results from I did not cover the duty for her and I ate school lunch. She took revenge by giving me the hard time like she hasn’t replied to my chat and ignored my message. (Well, ML told me that it is absolutely great to me because if S has not reply in the chat group, it is even better for me because R serves as a filter so that I have some protection. ) Moreover, she did not provide me with chances for observation in Chinese class and math class, and she refused my request for the teaching demo. She even asked me to make a timetable like an elementary pupil just because she thinks that I need to “help” in the PYP office. However, on my TCNJ document, there is no admin part at all. Therefore, apparently she is taking advantage of me.

In addition, she told my mentor that she is NOT my mentor, but on June 7, I received the school email saying that my mentors are A and B. She said that the other director informed me about this and the document from TCNJ states that. I totally had no idea where and what the document is and I asked her. She just avoid answering my question, and say that the director of academics said that I CAN do the duty. When I raised my concern about if anyone got hurt during my duty, who is going to take responsibility, she avoided it. (Director of SAO said that according to the MOE rule, I should not do the duty. Usually, if things happened in the past, the directors took responsibility. However, S has NO SHOULDER. She hides from it.)

After the Wednesday’s meeting, I cried terriblely because I felt that I was hurt. Last Thursday, S actively invited me for another meeting. She blamed me for not informing them I have to finish the recording of my teaching demo by September 30. I replied to her that the atmosphere of the meeting on Wednesday was so negative, how did I inform them of that? She comforted me and said that if she made me feel uncomfortable, she is sorry. I told her, ” You don’t have to… (because that was a heavy burden for me.)”

Yesterday, M informed us that his wife got COVID and he needs to be quarantined for 7 days. Due to this, he will be absent this whole week. I then asked how my teaching demo works this Friday. Is it ok for M to join via Zoom or other social media? R replied ok, no problem, but S ignores everything. Now I have reached out to people that I want to change schools for my internship because the school can’t offer me opportunities for observation and teaching. However, no further news for now. S asked me to cover M’s duties again. I had NO choice, so I relied ok and I think if things happened, it will be a great opportunity for the school to reflect. (ML told me that if something happened or people get hurt, all I can do is to show the evidence that S asked me to do the duty. She needs to be responsible.)

I called Grace for Teacher’s Day. We accidentally talked about my current situation. She gave me lots of encouragement. I finally told her thank-you and I love you in Chinese after 15 years. It was a breakthrough for me because I did not get used to it, and this cause the words heavy and even embressed to express. I received the firmest support from Grace during these 2 days. My old friends and I gathered together to have teacher’s venting. The coincidence was that J, S, and Grace have the same comment that S is a mental. All of them are supportive. I love all of them! I am a lucky girl that I am beloved and surrounded by these nice people.